I’ve never really known what kind of girl I am. My personality is ever-changing. Maybe it’s because I’ve contemplated everything in life so deeply and constantly. I know that I know nothing. I’m worn-out by the stubborn certainty that most people carry themselves with. It’s an illusion. Why is it so hard to find an open mind in the middle of all the noise? I need to shut it out sometimes. There’s too much going on around me. Too much talking. No listening. Not even an attempt. I’m not perfect. I’m biased sometimes. Everybody is.
But I’m not talking about people having opinions. I just don’t feel like there’s any wiggle room for ideas. There’s always a defiant resistance anytime you want to pick someone’s brain. You feel misunderstood everytime you want to play devil’s advocate. So, now, no one can pick mine. I have to know you first. Because my mind is never still. I can’t tell you who I am right now. I don’t even know if we can connect in any meaningful way. We’ll just scratch the surface. I’m weary about going deep. Maybe we’ll see one day.
Social interactions have always been exhausting to me. But it got easier once I dropped the pretense. I’m not trying to force it anymore. When I have nothing to say, I’ll be quiet. When I have too much to say, I’ll stumble over my words. Sometimes, I’ll be too much for some people. Not enough for others. I’m working on being okay with that. The people I lose were not for me. I wish nothing but the best for them. I want everyone to live their lives as they please. I hope they get the chance to pursue their happiness. I hope that for me too.
Christa
Filed under Uncategorized
Tagged as anxiety, depression, feelings, free, freedom, healing, inspiration, lifestyle, loneliness, mental health, nowhere, social anxiety, social interaction, spirituality, surviving