In a Rush

I rush through things. Even when I have all the time in the world I rush through things. It’s like I have to get everything done as soon as possible, so I can get back to doing nothing. And then I’m lonely. I rarely enjoy the process. So many times I entertain the idea of something, only to wish it to be over, so I can say I did it. I suppose that’s one way to convince yourself you’re trying.

Maybe I just self-sabotage too much. I don’t give myself the time to enjoy things. I try to see myself as an optimist, yet I always presume the worst. One bad experience leads to never fullheartedly believing it’s going to be any different the second time around. There’s really no point in trying if I’m just going to lie to myself about giving it my best shot.

I’m not entirely sure how to combat this. It’s easier to physically force yourself to do something, than it is to change your attitude. Past experiences will always leave their mark and I don’t believe it’s possible to completely shake them off. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try to change your perspective, in order to discover there are more sides to this one thing. Maybe, just maybe, I could give it a better shot.

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Deadline

Okay, so it’s time for me to make a decision. Apply to university or continue working/looking for jobs. Although, I am aware that I don’t have to accept even if I were to get in, and it doesn’t hurt to try, I’ve been getting really anxious while skimming through websites. I don’t know if I’m doing this for me or because I feel like I have something to prove.

Not to mention that when the pressure hits it will all come crashing down again. And I just don’t feel like I have any more time to waste. I haven’t got that much else going for me, except ideas I don’t know how to get off the ground, and at least it would keep my mind busy. But that’s not a good reason. If I’m going to continue studying I have to want to do it. Otherwise I know it’ll all get too much for me again.

I’m afraid, however, that I’m mostly interested in higher education because it sometimes feels like I’m squandering my potential. And my main goal should be pursuing whatever makes me happy, but I don’t know what that is, so in a way studying feels like another way of stalling so I don’t have to make a decision just yet. I don’t have a boyfriend, a clear career-path or something solid to hold onto right now. “Guess I’ll just go back to school until I stumble onto something real”, seems irresponsible of me, when I know that what’s lacking in that statement is commitment.

I can’t be sure I’m setting myself up for failure, though. A higher degree could mean more money in the bank (though not definitely). It also opens doors to new experiences(and people) and I think that’s the main reason I’m considering it. Once again: not a good reason.

I wish I could still see life as the adventure I once thought it was before life broke my spirit. And I also wish I could be more of an adult in some situations. If I were to describe myself I’d say I’m right in the middle of both of those sentences. Not enough; but sometimes too much. Indecisive, yet way too impulsive when I think I’m on the verge of what I think I want.

I obviously have things to contemplate, but thanks for reading and please do leave a comment.

Christa

Old Routines

It’s hard to abstain from old habits. Especially when you created them as a means of survival. I try to break free but I always end up creating new ways to tie myself up again. I don’t know how to not do that. I don’t understand the process of making decisions in everyday life without playing eeny-meeny-miny-mo, to some degree. A lot of my decisions are based on chance or temporary feelings.

I think it’s because contemplating the future gives me anxiety. I’m not sure who I want to be so I try not to think about it. It feels like I’ve been walking in circles for years now. And yet I still try to convince myself the best is yet to come. Because I have to believe that. I have to believe that life is still an adventure, even though it feels like I’ve been moving around in the same spot for years.

It’s hard to shake yesterday’s feelings. Especially when you’re not sure they ever left. I think they might be my true demons. I’ve always thought of my depression as something that sneaked up out of nowhere in my mid-teens, grabbed me from behind and prevented me from living the life I had set out to live. But I now believe that holding onto experiences I never got to have, or truly appreciate, is the true source of my misery. Dwelling on who you never got to be is no way to live your life.

 

Christa

The Others

People have always been my goal. I realise that now and it’s an ironic realisation because I’ve been running from everyone since forever. Everytime someone got too close I pushed them away. But periodically I would cling to those I liked as if they were the air I breathe. And then I’d escape back into myself. I can’t blame anyone for finding me confusing. Mostly, because I, myself, don’t know what I want.

I know how to handle myself when I’m alone, but I never really got to know the real me in the presence of others. And that is my own fault. But I think my life goal for now is trying, not only to find people I want to be around, but myself in other surroundings. Or figure out who that is at least. I’ve been running from me so long because I’m not sure if I’ll like her. But I’m starting to realise that I like her a lot more than many others, so I’m hopeful I might be better company to myself and less anxious around people I’m not sure I want to get to know.

I’m still stalling in other areas of life because I’m still not sure what I want my next step to be; careerwise, educationwise or otherwise. It feels like I’m wasting a lot of time by not taking the opportunities that are at hand right now, but I’m fearful of jumping into something that will ultimately not lead me any closer to what I’m after. Even it it means keeping myself busy and the bad thoughts at bay.

Christa

Breaking The Habit

I’m not a consistent writer. I know that. But it’s not just on this blog. I’ve always been inconsistent when it comes to will and inspiration to write. Likewise I feel like I drift in and out of my mind several times through life. Mostly I write things down in various notebooks and then decide to do nothing with it. I have 17 drafts on this blog, at the moment, and some of them I came very close to publishing.

I’m still fearful of sharing my mind. And I don’t even exactly know why. It’s not that I’m ashamed of my feelings or worried about saying something controversial and uncomfortable. Maybe it’s just the depression talking, but with everything I do, I always wonder whether there’s a point to it. Nothing will feel any different afterwards so what really am I doing but wasting energy that could be wasted in better ways.

But I do want to write. The struggle is pulling my thoughts together into more consistent pieces and then updating regularly. All my thoughts come at once or not at all. I should also blame my own lethargy. And the inability to pull myself together when I need to. I kill a lot of time and then make up excuses for myself. I want to be better for myself and to myself but that requires breaking rules I have made up for my everyday life. Then the OCD kicks in and it all comes crashing down. Nothing matters. Not really.

Baby steps. I’m clearly not in any hurry here. I hope you all have an amazing day.

Christa

Closing Time

I’ve often felt lonely. Even when I’m with other people. And yet every happy feeling I have is always just passing me by. I know they say you should always leave a party at it’s highpoint so it will remain a good memory, but I often find myself pushing it when I’m in the moment as if I’m trying to force back a feeling that is now gone. Because of this I end up feeling sad and lonely at the end of the day, wasting away in the remnants of good times.

It makes me want to skip the good times all together. So I won’t be plagued by the day after. Everything seems hollow when the moment’s gone and you realise that you now have to get back to the same old routines. I can understand addiction. Any kind of it; drugs, alcohol, sex… the need to dull the emptiness in the inbetween days. But then you’ll realise you’re just making it worse. If you have nothing to aim for you might not even care.

I’ve been trying to be more positive on this page. but I still have to write about my life right now and I’m not sure I’ve been able to really put down into words this feeling. There’s probably more of you out there who can relate to this. The dull ache after the “happy” feelings have left. The morose emptiness after closing time. It makes you not even want to try so that you can avoid it.

Christa

Better People

I keep looking for better people. But I think I’m doing it wrong. I keep expecting to find it in the people around me, even though I’ve searched for it in them too many times. Mainly because I feel like I just want to stop. Even though I’m not satisfied. Everyone lets me down, yet I try so hard to find what I’m missing in them. It’s like I want them to be the people I’m looking for, even though I know they’re not.

Have you ever tried wishing a trait into a person, because you want so badly for them to be what you need? It’s no wonder you always feel disapointed when attempting to reach out. And in the end it’s not their fault. They live their lives like they’ve always done and so do you. You can’t expect people to be who you wish they were. Or, unfortunately, who they said they were.

Rarely do people see themselves for who they really are. For better or for worse. I’ve known so many narcissists in my life that would swear they’re the kindest you’ll ever meet. Only good people won’t have to try to convince you. But they don’t know that. They will (sometimes unknowingly) always put themselves first. So, you can’t count on them throught thick and thin. And if you wait for an apology you’ll have to wait forever, since they’ll always be the victim.

But I realise that, my wanting for people to be what they’re not, is completely my own fault. I’m too lazy to discover something I’d like in new people, not to mention too lazy to withstand the awkward ice-breaking period full of empty giggles and awkward silences. I despise it. But is it better than constantly feeling abandoned by those you would have done so much more fore, if you knew they’d do the same?

Christa