I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I seem to kind of just be winging it. I’ve recently noticed that I think I need it to be that way. I have no other way of living. I think it’s easier because without a direction it finally feels as though I’m really living. I never did before. Maybe, now I can. If I fill myself up with new experiences, new people and joyous occasions I’ll fix the parts of myself that I still can. I’m hopeful.
Heck, maybe I’ll even fall in love. At almost 25, I dare say it still hasn’t happened. But I think it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to fall. I’ve psyched myself out of every potential relationship I could’ve had. It was too much of a distraction and it forced me into a reality I was trying to escape. I’m currently trying to incorporate aspects of my inner self in my everyday life. Or at least I’m thinking about it. Wondering if it’s possible. It seems like a doable compromise.
I feel like I’m finally learning things about myself that I’ve always needed to know. Sometimes I’m angrier and more agitated than I’ve ever been before. But I think it’s because I’m allowing myself to feel these things. To feel them completely. I’ve been running away from these feelings for too long. And by doing that, I also sacrificed all the good. Maybe I’ll work myself out one day. Maybe not. I don’t feel like it matters anymore. I need to stop thinking about the future. Be a little selfish. Only worry about what I want right now.