I have trouble letting go. I don’t just mean of people & things, I mean that if there was ever a situation that was thought to be resolved, if I had left things as they were in order to keep the peace, even though I had something else to say, it still weighs me down. And it doesn’t have to be big things. The big things were resolved. Somewhat. But I couldn’t let go of what was never said. Especially if things were only talked out for the sake of it. There was never any promise that everything was understood.
Apologies are tossed around too hastily. Usually just made in an effort to move on from a situation once it becomes uncomfortable. For me it’s just not possible to move on. Although in most cases I just kind of have to since there’s no way to go back. I guess you could say this blog is my coping method. I need to put things that are cluttering my brain somewhere else; for safe-keeping. Since I’m not enough of an attention whore to write a long facebook post about it. Not quite enough.
I don’t know if I’ll feel lighter later on. But I need to learn how to keep my focus. And I need to know how to express myself in constructive ways. I don’t know how constructive this is but it’s something. The words are all jumbled in my head. I’m not sure they’re coming out exactly as I’m thinking them. But what I’m trying to say is: apologies are a beautiful thing, so only hand them out when you are sorry. Give yourself at least that level of self-respect. And respect others enough to only apologise when they deserve it.
Loneliness loves company. It’s just not as fun to drink alone. The only upside is no one will remember the stupid things you say. Only you. Late. At night. When you’re talking to yourself; trying to remember if there was a time when you were sane. Or somewhat, at least. And I don’t mean that I’m “weird” in a quirky way, the way that everybody thinks they are. The way that Felicia Day wishes she was. Life’s supposedly what you make it though. So what does that telll you about me? It’s 5.55 pm and I’ve already drunk approximately half a bottle of wine. My keyboard’s dusty but I can’t be bothered to do something about it. I’m gonna stop with these observations.
I know I’m not gonna find the solution to my problems at the bottom of this bottle. That’s not why I drink. I honestly don’t drink much. But when I do it’s to see if the demons are still dancing. They are awake. That’s the only thing I can say for sure.
I’m going to try to be a little more optimistic on this page. It probably won’t be as deep as sending billet-doux’s to myself but I doubt anybody wants to read about me moping about. Not much has changed in my life. I’ve applied for a summer job abroad. It would be great to get away from this country for a while. Though, I will miss my niece and nephews. If I get the job that is. I’m not overly hopefull… but it would be nice.
Change isn’t easy for me, but still I crave it. I need it to prevent me from falling into the same old patterns. So yeah, I’m hanging in there. The sun is shining. It’s a new day. My father turns 58 today. Time flies. And I can’t keep standing still. I’d like to go cycling again. But maybe I’ll wait until the ice is all gone.