The Upside of The Downside

I’m going to try to be a little more optimistic on this page. It probably won’t be as deep as sending billet-doux’s to myself but I doubt anybody wants to read about me moping about. Not much has changed in my life. I’ve applied for a summer job abroad. It would be great to get away from this country for a while. Though, I will miss my niece and nephews. If I get the job that is. I’m not overly hopefull… but it would be nice.

Change isn’t easy for me, but still I crave it. I need it to prevent me from falling into the same old patterns. So yeah, I’m hanging in there. The sun is shining. It’s a new day. My father turns 58 today. Time flies. And I can’t keep standing still. I’d like to go cycling again. But maybe I’ll wait until the ice is all gone.

Christa

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Of Friendships & Friendships

Friendship is difficult. It’s hard to understad why anybody really likes you. I guess some personalities just mix well and others don’t. But it’s especially difficult when you’re friends with someone and you don’t feel like you’re playing by the same rules. For example: if you confide in me and I attempt to console you and then when I need help you’re barely listening. And when you’re happy everybody else also need to be happy. Otherwise you’re just a bunch of downers.

Worst of all is when said person seems to want lackeys rather than friends. Or, can’t seem to see the difference. One of the hardest things ever for me is finding a friend who is a friend without wanting something. Of course, if you’re my friend I will try to help you as best I can but it just doesn’t feel like an unconditional bond if it’s automitically expected of me to do anything you ask “cause were friends”. I’ve put those relationships behind me. And I don’t really feel like going down that path again.

I wonder how many peolple out there really do have “true friends”. I can only count a few, and I rarely see them. But I would love to have a deep conversation with someone on the same frequency as me again. I would really love that.

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The pursuit of wonderland.

When I was little I wanted to be a mermaid. I used to picture myself swimming along the stream, feeling completely safe in my underwater world. Of course, I left that thought behind once I got older and realised how impractical it was. But I still wanted to remain in that magical little blissful bubble that every child lives in. And I guess I stayed in it longer than most; trying to ignore the bullies that were snicker behind my back in secondary school.

Even as a teenager I felt as though I had never really left that world. And when I realised I had to step out of it, when the responsibilities of adulthood got in the way, I became sadder than I’ve ever been. The magic was gone and I was trying to fill the void with television, stories, books, people… anything I could obsess about without having to commit. But like a small crush I would gradually lose interest and try to find something else to think about. I hated participating in the real world. It was so hollow, cold and empty.

My therapist asked me once if it was possible to incorporate my mind into the real world and I’ve been trying to do that since. But it’s hard to find that feeling, again. I understand too much. I’m too reasonable. And yet it feels like it’s still there somewhere. Just a tiny bit of it. In the back of my mind. And I feel as though I’m still searching for it. While trying to stay in reality when I need to. I think I found a bit of it when I was drunk. But the world was spinning too fast for me to catch it.

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My drunken ramblings

So it’s Christmas. I’m drunk and spending time with family. Or somewhat drunk at least. I think I lost my mind ages ago. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I’m disappearing into myself. Like I’m more than one person, but all of the me’s are just a speck of dust. I’m not me. I don’t know who this is. I don’t know what this is. A drunken ramble with words I’ve had to re-write several times? Since I feel like I’m getting too pretentious I’ll stop now.

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Stuck

I’m really bad at updating this thing. But I haven’t been in the mood. Now I’m lying again. I’ll try to come clean. My systems haven’t allowed me to write. I can’t do anything unless I finish them. I try to make exceptions. But even those must be strict. I really can’t go on like this. I know that I’ll probably be stuck with this, to some degree, for the rest of my life. But I just cannot live a life that resembles some kind of normalcy, within a cage that is so small I can hardly move.

I’m actually glad I have this blog right now. Even if I do think I sound a bit whiny. I’m glad that I’m just whiny anonymously on the internet. How do I tell a person; any person, that I can’t get through the day without making up some kind of game of doing things. Or that it doesn’t feel as though any choice I make is ever really mine. It’s always carried out by some kind of invisible force. And I think I’m comfortable with that. Relieved because, I myself, don’t know what I want. Or what I need.

I guess I’m scared I’ll lose the comfort and gain the sadness if I stop.

Christa
mes

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Good morning or something

It’s early morning and I was drinking heavily last night. Luckily I cut myself off just in time. So I shouldn’t have the worst hangover. But I really want pizza.

I really shouldn’t have been drinking though. I was feeling really depressed the other day and I think I was trying to kill something in me yesterday. But in hindsight it feels like I was just feeding it. I think I’m done with alcohol for a while. At least until I can get myself together. Somewhat.

I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do. It’s still dark outside and I’m tired. But I can’t sleep right now. Not until my mind is quiet. Maybe the next night. Right now I’m hungry and the drunken high I felt last night started to wane hours ago. I’m just silently waiting for the sun to rise so I can start this day. I’ll make some coffee and try to make the best of it.

Christa

int

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I don’t know how I feel

I’ve always wondered whether happiness really is a state of mind. I would like it to be. Because that would mean all I would have to do is try to be happy. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried laughing when I’m sad to try to trick my mind into believing I’m not. I’ve tried waking up and telling myself that today I am happy, I am joyous, I am beatific. It felt forced and pointless. But i kept on doing it. Off an on.

I’m in a weird state of mind right now. I feel happier sometimes and other times I feel numb. But most times I don’t know what I feel. It’s sort of like I’m just floating through the day. Moving from room to room. Like a ghost.

But I’m not sad. Melancholic, but not sad. Most of the time at least. I feel more at ease though. And that’s why I really, actually, don’t think I want to know how I feel…

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