I miss my mind sometimes

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I seem to kind of just be winging it. I’ve recently noticed that I think I need it to be that way. I have no other way of living. I think it’s easier because without a direction it finally feels as though I’m really living. I never did before. Maybe, now I can. If I fill myself up with new experiences, new people and joyous occasions I’ll fix the parts of myself that I still can. I’m hopeful.

Heck, maybe I’ll even fall in love. At almost 25, I dare say it still hasn’t happened. But I think it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to fall. I’ve psyched myself out of every potential relationship I could’ve had. It was too much of a distraction and it forced me into a reality I was trying to escape. I’m currently trying to incorporate aspects of my inner self in my everyday life. Or at least I’m thinking about it. Wondering if it’s possible. It seems like a doable compromise.

I feel like I’m finally learning things about myself that I’ve always needed to know. Sometimes I’m angrier and more agitated than I’ve ever been before. But I think it’s because I’m allowing myself to feel these things. To feel them completely. I’ve been running away from these feelings for too long. And by doing that, I also sacrificed all the good. Maybe I’ll work myself out one day. Maybe not. I don’t feel like it matters anymore. I need to stop thinking about the future. Be a little selfish. Only worry about what I want right now.

~ Christa

Manic Monday

So, there’s been some new changes in my life. Right now I’m in a cluttered room in an otherwise empty apartment. The apartment belongs to my grandmother’s sister & her husband. They just bought it. And I’m living here for free for about a month until I can move into my new place. Yay Adulthood! But what happened to my flatmates?

One found a boyfriend and wanted to take all her stuff and move in with him. Like now. This minute. Apparently love can’t wait. Not even for one more month, so you can make life a little easier for those around you. Either way, I’m hanging out here now. Trying to get some stuff done before summer. And then… we’ll go from there. We’ll see. If anyone can come up with some fun ideas to fill my time with, ’til I can make sense of my life, that would be much appreciated.

I have no idea what to do with the rest of the day. I should take a shower. If I can be bothered to. And it’s snowing again. It’s May. Ugh…

How do friendships work again?

So, I’m already gonna break my promise on being more optimistic. It was a shit day yesterday. One of my flatmates, the one who wanted to move in together in the first place, now wants to move in with her boyfriend. We haven’t even lived here a year and she’s already asking about when we can move out. (we can’t afford rent if all 3 aren’t living there). I mentioned that I thought she was being selfish (especially since she’s been anxious about the other flatmate moving out and leaving us high and dry) and leave it to her to then fall appart in order to let me know how shit my response made her feel.

I just don’t know what to do. She keeps talking about how she’s upset that she’s losing friends and it feels like nobody care’s about her and pleading with us to never leave her. And I told her I’ll always be her friend as long as the friendship I offer is returned in full. In a way it was a hint. A way to let her know that I don’t think she’s being fair. And when she’s trying to guilt trip us by sending pictures of herself crying it’s always peppered with that feeling of “you just don’t understand my pain”… as if she genuinely thinks she’s the only one suffering. Or that her pain is the worst one. Or that we have to be understanding because she’s in love and if we don’t treat her right we’re not good friends.

I just can’t wear my heart on my sleeve like she does. That doesn’t mean I don’t suffer. That getting up isn’t a struggle every single fucking morning. And half the time it really doesn’t feel like she cares as much about us as she wants us to do about her. Moving out right now would really pull the rug out from underneath my feet. My comprosise is April – May. If she can’t respect that than no I can’t say the friendship is being returned.

Sorry for all the “and’s”

Christa

The Upside of The Downside

I’m going to try to be a little more optimistic on this page. It probably won’t be as deep as sending billet-doux’s to myself but I doubt anybody wants to read about me moping about. Not much has changed in my life. I’ve applied for a summer job abroad. It would be great to get away from this country for a while. Though, I will miss my niece and nephews. If I get the job that is. I’m not overly hopefull… but it would be nice.

Change isn’t easy for me, but still I crave it. I need it to prevent me from falling into the same old patterns. So yeah, I’m hanging in there. The sun is shining. It’s a new day. My father turns 58 today. Time flies. And I can’t keep standing still. I’d like to go cycling again. But maybe I’ll wait until the ice is all gone.

Christa

Of Friendships & Friendships

Friendship is difficult. It’s hard to understad why anybody really likes you. I guess some personalities just mix well and others don’t. But it’s especially difficult when you’re friends with someone and you don’t feel like you’re playing by the same rules. For example: if you confide in me and I attempt to console you and then when I need help you’re barely listening. And when you’re happy everybody else also need to be happy. Otherwise you’re just a bunch of downers.

Worst of all is when said person seems to want lackeys rather than friends. Or, can’t seem to see the difference. One of the hardest things ever for me is finding a friend who is a friend without wanting something. Of course, if you’re my friend I will try to help you as best I can but it just doesn’t feel like an unconditional bond if it’s automitically expected of me to do anything you ask “cause were friends”. I’ve put those relationships behind me. And I don’t really feel like going down that path again.

I wonder how many peolple out there really do have “true friends”. I can only count a few, and I rarely see them. But I would love to have a deep conversation with someone on the same frequency as me again. I would really love that.

The pursuit of wonderland.

When I was little I wanted to be a mermaid. I used to picture myself swimming along the stream, feeling completely safe in my underwater world. Of course, I left that thought behind once I got older and realised how impractical it was. But I still wanted to remain in that magical little blissful bubble that every child lives in. And I guess I stayed in it longer than most; trying to ignore the bullies that were snicker behind my back in secondary school.

Even as a teenager I felt as though I had never really left that world. And when I realised I had to step out of it, when the responsibilities of adulthood got in the way, I became sadder than I’ve ever been. The magic was gone and I was trying to fill the void with television, stories, books, people… anything I could obsess about without having to commit. But like a small crush I would gradually lose interest and try to find something else to think about. I hated participating in the real world. It was so hollow, cold and empty.

My therapist asked me once if it was possible to incorporate my mind into the real world and I’ve been trying to do that since. But it’s hard to find that feeling, again. I understand too much. I’m too reasonable. And yet it feels like it’s still there somewhere. Just a tiny bit of it. In the back of my mind. And I feel as though I’m still searching for it. While trying to stay in reality when I need to. I think I found a bit of it when I was drunk. But the world was spinning too fast for me to catch it.

My drunken ramblings

So it’s Christmas. I’m drunk and spending time with family. Or somewhat drunk at least. I think I lost my mind ages ago. I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I feel like I’m disappearing into myself. Like I’m more than one person, but all of the me’s are just a speck of dust. I’m not me. I don’t know who this is. I don’t know what this is. A drunken ramble with words I’ve had to re-write several times? Since I feel like I’m getting too pretentious I’ll stop now.