Handing Out Those Pesky Apologies

I have trouble letting go. I don’t just mean of people & things, I mean that if there was ever a situation that was thought to be resolved, if I had left things as they were in order to keep the peace, even though I had something else to say, it still weighs me down. And it doesn’t have to be big things. The big things were resolved. Somewhat. But I couldn’t let go of what was never said. Especially if things were only talked out for the sake of it. There was never any promise that everything was understood.

Apologies are tossed around too hastily. Usually just made in an effort to move on from a situation once it becomes uncomfortable. For me it’s just not possible to move on. Although in most cases I just kind of have to since there’s no way to go back. I guess you could say this blog is my coping method. I need to put things that are cluttering my brain somewhere else; for safe-keeping. Since I’m not enough of an attention whore to write a long facebook post about it. Not quite enough.

I don’t know if I’ll feel lighter later on. But I need to learn how to keep my focus. And I need to know how to express myself in constructive ways. I don’t know how constructive this is but it’s something. The words are all jumbled in my head. I’m not sure they’re coming out exactly as I’m thinking them. But what I’m trying to say is: apologies are a beautiful thing, so only hand them out when you are sorry. Give yourself at least that level of self-respect. And respect others enough to only apologise when they deserve it.

Christa

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Hello; Goodbye (just a short one)

Loneliness loves company. It’s just not as fun to drink alone. The only upside is no one will remember the stupid things you say. Only you. Late. At night. When you’re talking to yourself; trying to remember if there was a time when you were sane. Or somewhat, at least. And I don’t mean that I’m “weird” in a quirky way, the way that everybody thinks they are. The way that Felicia Day wishes she was. Life’s supposedly what you make it though. So what does that telll you about me? It’s 5.55 pm and I’ve already drunk approximately half a bottle of wine. My keyboard’s dusty but I can’t be bothered to do something about it. I’m gonna stop with these observations.

I know I’m not gonna find the solution to my problems at the bottom of this bottle. That’s not why I drink. I honestly don’t drink much. But when I do it’s to see if the demons are still dancing. They are awake. That’s the only thing I can say for sure.

Christa

I miss my mind sometimes

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life. I seem to kind of just be winging it. I’ve recently noticed that I think I need it to be that way. I have no other way of living. I think it’s easier because without a direction it finally feels as though I’m really living. I never did before. Maybe, now I can. If I fill myself up with new experiences, new people and joyous occasions I’ll fix the parts of myself that I still can. I’m hopeful.

Heck, maybe I’ll even fall in love. At almost 25, I dare say it still hasn’t happened. But I think it’s because I haven’t allowed myself to fall. I’ve psyched myself out of every potential relationship I could’ve had. It was too much of a distraction and it forced me into a reality I was trying to escape. I’m currently trying to incorporate aspects of my inner self in my everyday life. Or at least I’m thinking about it. Wondering if it’s possible. It seems like a doable compromise.

I feel like I’m finally learning things about myself that I’ve always needed to know. Sometimes I’m angrier and more agitated than I’ve ever been before. But I think it’s because I’m allowing myself to feel these things. To feel them completely. I’ve been running away from these feelings for too long. And by doing that, I also sacrificed all the good. Maybe I’ll work myself out one day. Maybe not. I don’t feel like it matters anymore. I need to stop thinking about the future. Be a little selfish. Only worry about what I want right now.

~ Christa

Manic Monday

So, there’s been some new changes in my life. Right now I’m in a cluttered room in an otherwise empty apartment. The apartment belongs to my grandmother’s sister & her husband. They just bought it. And I’m living here for free for about a month until I can move into my new place. Yay Adulthood! But what happened to my flatmates?

One found a boyfriend and wanted to take all her stuff and move in with him. Like now. This minute. Apparently love can’t wait. Not even for one more month, so you can make life a little easier for those around you. Either way, I’m hanging out here now. Trying to get some stuff done before summer. And then… we’ll go from there. We’ll see. If anyone can come up with some fun ideas to fill my time with, ’til I can make sense of my life, that would be much appreciated.

I have no idea what to do with the rest of the day. I should take a shower. If I can be bothered to. And it’s snowing again. It’s May. Ugh…

How do friendships work again?

So, I’m already gonna break my promise on being more optimistic. It was a shit day yesterday. One of my flatmates, the one who wanted to move in together in the first place, now wants to move in with her boyfriend. We haven’t even lived here a year and she’s already asking about when we can move out. (we can’t afford rent if all 3 aren’t living there). I mentioned that I thought she was being selfish (especially since she’s been anxious about the other flatmate moving out and leaving us high and dry) and leave it to her to then fall appart in order to let me know how shit my response made her feel.

I just don’t know what to do. She keeps talking about how she’s upset that she’s losing friends and it feels like nobody care’s about her and pleading with us to never leave her. And I told her I’ll always be her friend as long as the friendship I offer is returned in full. In a way it was a hint. A way to let her know that I don’t think she’s being fair. And when she’s trying to guilt trip us by sending pictures of herself crying it’s always peppered with that feeling of “you just don’t understand my pain”… as if she genuinely thinks she’s the only one suffering. Or that her pain is the worst one. Or that we have to be understanding because she’s in love and if we don’t treat her right we’re not good friends.

I just can’t wear my heart on my sleeve like she does. That doesn’t mean I don’t suffer. That getting up isn’t a struggle every single fucking morning. And half the time it really doesn’t feel like she cares as much about us as she wants us to do about her. Moving out right now would really pull the rug out from underneath my feet. My comprosise is April – May. If she can’t respect that than no I can’t say the friendship is being returned.

Sorry for all the “and’s”

Christa

The Upside of The Downside

I’m going to try to be a little more optimistic on this page. It probably won’t be as deep as sending billet-doux’s to myself but I doubt anybody wants to read about me moping about. Not much has changed in my life. I’ve applied for a summer job abroad. It would be great to get away from this country for a while. Though, I will miss my niece and nephews. If I get the job that is. I’m not overly hopefull… but it would be nice.

Change isn’t easy for me, but still I crave it. I need it to prevent me from falling into the same old patterns. So yeah, I’m hanging in there. The sun is shining. It’s a new day. My father turns 58 today. Time flies. And I can’t keep standing still. I’d like to go cycling again. But maybe I’ll wait until the ice is all gone.

Christa

Of Friendships & Friendships

Friendship is difficult. It’s hard to understad why anybody really likes you. I guess some personalities just mix well and others don’t. But it’s especially difficult when you’re friends with someone and you don’t feel like you’re playing by the same rules. For example: if you confide in me and I attempt to console you and then when I need help you’re barely listening. And when you’re happy everybody else also need to be happy. Otherwise you’re just a bunch of downers.

Worst of all is when said person seems to want lackeys rather than friends. Or, can’t seem to see the difference. One of the hardest things ever for me is finding a friend who is a friend without wanting something. Of course, if you’re my friend I will try to help you as best I can but it just doesn’t feel like an unconditional bond if it’s automitically expected of me to do anything you ask “cause were friends”. I’ve put those relationships behind me. And I don’t really feel like going down that path again.

I wonder how many peolple out there really do have “true friends”. I can only count a few, and I rarely see them. But I would love to have a deep conversation with someone on the same frequency as me again. I would really love that.